Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
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Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”