My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
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this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
happy mother’s day❤️
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER