Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
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Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Golf would be better with landmines.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker