Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
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My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling