I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
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I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman