*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
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me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
become ungovernable
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.