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Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles