If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
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Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.