Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
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[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Follow me for more life hacks.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.