My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
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“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
My patience has stretch marks.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.