This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
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[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi