-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
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Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
A leaf blower, but for people.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee