I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
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Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//