I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
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What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear