Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Yep.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”