You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
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Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
“We will wed,” I threatened
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Rooting for the overdog
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.