I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
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The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.