A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
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I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
When news reporters do sports stories
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.