I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
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I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.