Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
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In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.