[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
You Might Also Like
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
another case of gang violins
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.