[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
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I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
notice
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.