Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
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Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.