*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
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Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”