It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
You Might Also Like
I did not eat the cake…
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?