Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
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*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope