5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
You Might Also Like
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.