Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
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I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Me too, bag. Me too….
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”