HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
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[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Mornin
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Time for evil
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”