Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
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I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
You are not alone 💚
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.