Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
You Might Also Like
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse