Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
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Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Always
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”