horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
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[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Breaking news:
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.