The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
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wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks