Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
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*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.