Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
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The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
no!! no!!!!!!
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I’m dying louder than usual today.