*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
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-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
are they though??
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”