How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
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Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
is frankincense just very honest incense?
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.