you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
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“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.