This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
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Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
*3.5 thank you very much.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Autocorrect is my menesis
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.