shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
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Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
This is my bus stop.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.