There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
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it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)