Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
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My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
True
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas