My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
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Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.