*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
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Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Saw online –
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”