The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
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Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
It’s a gift
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.