friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
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I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
So glad we cleared that up
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
bad news gang
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!