When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
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Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
it must be school picture day
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.