Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
You Might Also Like
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
“Wait, let me explain..”
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
My whole life was a lie.
PLEASE READ
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
going to the ER y’all need anything
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty