The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
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*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Okey dokey.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.